The Partay
by Hoatzin
Summary: Eowyn's party continues, but her heart is sinking. What can drunkened companions do? Will she regain her milkflesh Grima? Ch. 4 is up, and the story is finished at last..
1. The Beginning of the End

Howdy, howdy. I have to warn that there are some bits of homosexuality here! That means members of the same sex, liking each other. A lot. Don't worry, I don't write that all the time. But anyway, please remain calm. Wee.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Lord of the Rings characters. I'm not making money off of 'em. Same with Jaba the Hutt. He belongs to George Lucas and the other Star Wars writers/peoples. What a guy, that Jaba. Don't own Heath Ledger either. Not making money off of that honey.  
  
.............................  
  
The Partay.  
  
Eowyn sat on the edge of her bed, shifting uncomfortably in the dim light. Another body seated itself next to her, causing her to slant at an awkward angle. She made an attempt to move away from whoever it was that had placed themselves so close to her but it was no use. An unsteady hand reached out and caressed her cheek. She jumped at the initial contact but soon relaxed as the hand cupped her chin and ran down her neck, tapering off at her shoulder. She drew in a shaky breath as she felt fingers running along her waist. Her first instinct was to remove them, but the touch was so gentle, so loving....  
  
"Do you want it to stop?"  
  
A wry voice pierced the stale air. She drew in a sharp breath. She knew that voice from somewhere...  
  
"Do I want....what to stop?" She barely had time to finish the sentence before a pair of hands encircled her waist and stroked her sides. She felt the impulse to run...but also the impulse to stay.  
  
"Would you like the pain to go away? The loneliness? The suffering?" The voice sent shivers along her spine. Eowyn did her best to pause before answering so that she may figure out who was speaking.  
  
"I...I don't understand."  
  
"I know you do. You just can't find it in your heart to admit it so.."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I think you know the answer to that question!" The voice hissed in anger. Eowyn froze, afraid of being struck. But instead she was taken into an awkward embrace...and an awkward kiss. She struggled to pull her thoughts together, to make sense of what was happening. But she couldn't. The situation was vague and hazy; as much as she tried, she couldn't withdraw herself from the imprisoning embrace. The kiss seemed to last for an eternity and Eowyn could no longer withstand the cruelty of the moment. She quickly withdrew from the embrace and stumbled away from the bed, reaching out to a single candle that stood on her vanity. Seizing it and clutching it to her chest as it were the most important thing in the world, she cautiously approached the bed. Holding the candle out with a shaky hand, she was able to lighten chamber. An involuntary gasp escaped her lips as her eyes settled on the person who sat on her bed.  
  
"Grima....Wormtongue!" She nearly choked on the words as the figure slid off of the bed and crept up next to her.  
  
"Who else did you expect? Heath Ledger?"  
  
Grima violently grabbed Eowyn and engaged her in a passionate kiss. Eowyn stifled a scream but was soon hushed when Grima broke the embrace and revealed his true form. His face faded to that of an attractive young man....one with golden hair and piercing eyes.  
  
"Oh my word! You are Heath Ledger!"  
  
Eowyn awoke, gasping for air. For a moment she thought she was being held within the loving arms of Heath, but she found she was merely enveloped in her own bed sheets. She sighed sadly, and then shuddered as she remembered who Heath had taken the form of. She bit her knuckles, secretly wondering if Grima had meant all those things he had said on that sad day. He had called her fair. Did he really mean it?  
  
"Oh..my lady, you must have....had a nightmare."  
  
Eowyn's eyes widened to the point of bursting at the unexpected appearance of Grima. She reached for a pillow to smack him with, but only found a potted cactus and made do. Grima cried out as the sharp needles pierced his milky flesh.  
  
"Aiyeeee my lady!"  
  
As he ran out yelping, a trail of goats followed him. Eowyn called out to the small herd in desperation.  
  
"Nay nay silly goats! There will be no evil yesman-stalking tonight."  
  
"Bahhhh!" The goats lowered their heads in shame and trudged back to their cubicles at the end of the hallway. Eowyn paused and glanced in her mirror. On a whime, she wondered....was she good enough to be a stripper? One glance at the outfit that hung in her closet told her one thing: Yes.  
  
Across the building, one man was desperately trying to find peace.  
  
  
Aragorn stalked the hallways of the ornate lodge, rubbing his temples. Arwen couldn't be there to calm him or offer him her half-baked olive and chocolate chip cookies. He sighed deeply as the residential herd of goats passed by, chewing on wooden arrows. Legolas followed them, calling out elfen curses as they trotted far ahead. Attached to his legs were Sam and Frodo, hell bent on keeping him from attaining his goal.  
  
"Stupid elf! The goats of Rowan have spoken!" cried Frodo as his eyes rolled into the back of his head.  
  
"Yeah! Meesa gonna give yas an evil cursa from da voodoo masta! Yousa gonna slay a chicken and dance!! Bow down to da voodoo masta!" Sam exalted, barely able to hold on to Legolas' leg as he ruthlessly shoved an LSD needle into his own, flabby thigh. Eventually, Legolas gave up the chase and stopped in the middle of the hallway, panting for breath. The two hobbits clung with fierce strength and determination, each one injecting needles into the others chubby necks. Legolas was about to protest but Sam's clumsy fingers slipped and stabbed Legolas in the calf with his needle.  
  
"Tanya awra!!! Filthy bastards!" Legolas slipped and fell to the floor. Sam collapsed next to him and went into wild convulsions. As he frothed at the mouth, Frodo rolled over by him and began rubbing Sam's stomach.  
  
"I'm a robot." Frodo said, and for a moment his voice was so convincing that Aragorn almost believed him and went over to check his parts. Aragorn steadied himself though, and was able to back away. His thoughts changed when he caught a glimpse of poor Legolas. Legolas was stretched out on the wood floor, clawing madly at the planking. He was biting his lips and kicking his legs with much violence. Aragorn approached the troubled elf, and as he leaned down to ask him if he needed assistance, Legolas jerked his head upwards. With a mighty spray of his saliva, Legolas coated Aragorn's face, completely soaking it.  
  
"Breeeeeeee! MmmMmmm! I'm a whaaaaale. A whale of epic proportions. And now I shall pee in the sea."  
  
Even the goats had to turn away from this wretched sight.  
  
On the other side of wooden lodge, Eowyn was sitting content on a lush arm chair, deeply immersed in a thick book titled "Stripping 101". Her peace was disturbed, however, when she thought she heard the troubled cries of her guests. She went running to the royal court room and was relieved by the sight before her. All of the fellowship was here now. All of the hobbits, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf were crowded around a great fire. Some of them were convulsing and others were laughing at the convulsing people's situations. One particular sight warmed her heart and soul. Gandalf sat with a hobbit on each knee, Merry on the left and Pippin on the right. He bounced them up down like gay little children, and then gave a hearty laugh as he tossed them into the flames.  
  
"Hohohohoho!" He gave a jolly laugh as the hobbits were pulled screaming and kicking from the fire by Aragorn. Aragorn shot Gandalf a disapproving look and Gandalf shrugged sheepishly, hiding his cherry red nose beneath his white hat.  
  
Frodo and Sam were sprawled across a bear skin rug, whispering sweet nothings to each other and occasionally giggling and shooting shy glances to the others. Gimli sighed happily.  
  
"Isn't that precious? The little 'uns are cuddlin'! Warms yer heart and makes ya wanna hug somethin'. I mean just listen to the way they're whispering sweet, loving things to each other. Compliments and good wishes....declarations of love..."   
  
Aragorn leaned in to listen to the little hobbits...  
  
"Oh Sam...my vacuums....they're giddy with a wrench. Cobalt your rot."  
  
"Am...am I the only one to see that the walls are overflowing with the blood of our brothers?!"  
  
"Shhh Sam...all I want is to." Frodo stopped abruptly in mid-sentence, and did not finish.  
  
"Warms yer heart..." said Gimli, paying no attention to the doped up half- lings.  
  
Aragorn sighed deeply, and continued to let his mind wander away from these idiots. But try as he might, he could not free himself from the moronic environment. Beside him, Legolas lay stretched out over the floor, his middle only cloaked by a swash of pink silk.  
  
"I have seen the light, Aragorn. The children laugh merrily as they dance upon your grave. I am king and the waters flow freely from my navel. Do you understand? From my navel."  
  
Aragorn shook his head and laid back against a chair. He watched quietly as Merry and Pippin dressed each other's burns from the fire. The two clasped hands and laid back on the floor, gazing up at the ceiling. Aragorn sighed in jealousy at the two ridiculously stupid hobbits. Eowyn noticed the pair and feeling the urge to feed the flames of the Paparazzi, she whipped out her camera and took a couple dozen pictures to add to her collection. Gimli noticed her actions and leaned over.  
  
"You don't have any pictures of the wee ones when they're um...having bedtime rendezvous', by any chance?"  
  
"Of course." Eowyn smirked. She glanced around nervously and then whispered in Gimli's ear.  
  
"I'll give you the pictures if you promise to enjoy the show I'll put on tonight. You've got to make the others like me too."  
  
Gimli nodded solemnly and passed the news to the other members that Eowyn would be performing. 


	2. The Apocalypse Destroyeth

Once again, everyone remain calm. I don't own any of these people. Not Jaba (sad), not Lord of the Rings people. No money being made here. No profits. Heath isn't mine.  
  
Contains some sexuality here! Homosexuality! Also some mild language and misbehaving rhinos. You have been warned.  
  
...........................  
  
The Partay  
  
Later that evening, Eowyn went to her room to prepare for her dance performance. She was just about to dress up for the event when Grima Wormtongue entered the room. He smirked evily when he spotted her outfit.  
  
"Planning to give a little show, tonight? Hmmm?"  
  
"Yes...but...I don't know if it can be done."  
  
"All you need to do is trust me, my little winter pansy. I'll give you the fame and recognition you deserve."  
  
Eowyn looked deep into Grima's eyes. Perhaps he could offer her the help she needed...  
  
"Of course...there will be a small price to pay." He licked his lips and nudged her.  
  
"Dear heavens....you don't mean..."  
  
"Oh but I do...just one kiss. That's all I ask for."  
  
Eowyn bit her lip and debated the subject. What was one little kiss? He wasn't that bad, was he? Sure his teeth were green and his skin was white as pus. And yes his hair was as oily as a wet seal and his eyes were glazed like doughnuts. But if she closed her eyes, maybe...just maybe...it could be like Heath Ledger.  
  
"You won't regret it, my wilting flower. You'll learn my secret."  
  
Grima licked his green, greasy teeth in anticipation and leaned in for the kill. He enveloped Eowyn in a wet, awkward kiss that lasted for several minutes. When the kiss ended, Eowyn gasped as Grima's hideous appearance melted away to reveal the heavenly face of Heath Ledger. Before Eowyn could react, a disgruntled rhino stampeded through the hallway and trampled Grima to a bloody mass of cartilige and sorrow.  
  
Eowyn gasped in horror but quickly regained her composure, and without a second thought she reached for a brush to smooth her golden strands of hair. Ignoring the festering carcass on her chamber floor, Eowyn proceeded to tie back her hair in a loose ponytail. She slipped out of her gown and into a French Maid's outfit and go-go boots. With a satisfied grunt, she examined herself in the mirror and applied her rouge and lipstick.  
  
Within minutes, she had left the bed chamber and traveled down to the royal court where the fellowship awaited a performance. On her way out to the stage, Eowyn's ass was pinched by Jaba the Hutt. Eowyn spun around and with the evil, unloving fires of hell in her eyes, glared at the bloated creature. Jaba was so moved by her anger that he laid down and turned to dirt. A daffodil promptly grew where Jaba had fallen.  
  
Strobe lights flashed as music drowned out the eager voices of the audience. Eowyn ascended the stage and made her way over to a wooden chair. She removed a tiny feather duster from her belt and began to dust the wooden antique. The docile French song played merrily as she dusted but was soon cut short as a loud drum rolled and the bass boomed. The lights focused on Eowyn and the chair. Every man in the audience leaned forward as "Twinkle, twinkle little star" began to play. Even Gimli seemed to be mildly interested, as he immediately stood up and jigged. Eowyn then ripped off her skirt and revealed to the audience the single most horrofic sight that anyone had ever cared to see.....  
  
Somewhere in Paris, an old man danced. In Brooklyn, a butterfly landed soundly on a cabbage leaf. And somehow, through odd gaps in logic that cannot be explained, Elrond appeared.  
  
A single can of drained oysters hit Eowyn in the eye as she continued her dance. She let out a cry of anguish, but Aragorn, who remained in the front row, threw one of his boots at her face. The smell alone made Eowyn yell and a single stinging tear drifted down her cheek.  
  
"Get off the stage you Porky Orky!" yelled Frodo.  
  
"Yeah you....you gay thing!" Sam wailed, and reached for a daffodil growing in the ground, as he was very hungry. Eowyn let out a scream of frustration and her eyes bulged to the point where several blood vessles broke. Then, with her various wild animals and whimsical appliances trailing behind her, she left the stage.  
  
The room fell silent. Everyone was ashamed and disappointed with the way the night had turned out. Gandalf, quiet and undisturbed, smoked a pipe full of marigolds. Merry and Pippin sat on a wooden bench, gently holding hands and playing footsies. Gimli practiced throwing a couple of darts at two wooden cut-outs that looked suspiciously like the hobbit couple. Aragorn let out a long sigh, as he greatly missed his Arwen. He was about to commit suicide on his sword (as he had originally planned) when Legolas suddenly jumped on the stage. With a quick wave of his hand, his entire elfen costume disappeared to reveal a leopard speedo and out of sheer magic ''Sexy Thing" began to play. Immediately the crowd screamed with enthusiasm as Legolas began to girate on a pole. Elrond, who had shown up rather unexpectedly, waved a hankie and threw it onto the glittering stage. Legolas bent down and picked it up with his teeth, and then smiled devilishly. Aragorn, who had seen enough of this raunchy behavior, got up to leave the room. Legolas spotted his dear friend and ran over to him, pinning him to a chair. Aragorn was about to scream for the mother Mary but the hobbits had already gagged him with nachos. He let out a muffled cry as Legolas proceeded to give him what he was best known for: Elfen Lap Dances.  
  
Meanwhile, inside the confines of her bed chambers, Eowyn cried softly about her flop as a professional stripper. She wiped her nose with the bills that Frodo and Sam had slipped her. She was about to continue crying when she heard a knocking at the door.  
  
"Who is it?" She asked, being careful to wipe the snot from her chin.  
  
The door opened. It was the rhino. The robust creature waddled in and lay next to Eowyn, gazing up at her with pleading eyes. Eowyn shed a single tear and when it touched the rhino's horn, the animal melted into a pool of crystalline water in which a trout jumped out and landed on a china plate. The fish cooked itself from Eowyn's own vibes of despair, and Eowyn wasted no time in gingerly taking a taste of the fine meal. After finishing her dinner, she removed a mop from the utility closet and made haste in sweeping up the remains of the rhino and Grima. Seeing Grima's disfigured reminants only prompted her to cry more, but when she leaned down and dabbed a bit of the goo on her finger to lick, she found it to be mildly sweet.  
  
"Tastes like walnuts..." she murmured.  
  
  
  
Back in the royal court room, the scene was discouraging. Legolas was dancing solo on his metal pole, rubbed smooth from his many years of girating. Gandalf, who had been generally quiet during the events of the night, waved a single dollar bill in hopes of coaxing Legolas to his lap. Aragorn sat trembling in a darkened corner of the room, still shivering from his brush with lust from Legolas' lap dance. Elrond sat on the edge of the dining table, putting multi-colored condoms on his fingers and making strange faces. Frodo and Sam were locked in a desperate drunken embrace, the both of them singing with such atrocious voices that the ceiling cracked. And Merry sat on his mighty throne, deeply kissing Pippin who was planted in his lap. Gimli twiddled his thumbs idly and tried to hide his enormous fascination with the romantically entangled hobbits. Most of the members of the room were wearing New Year's hats. Some were not. 


	3. Angels of Death Awaken

Hello again. Just to recap here, Eowyn put on quite a show. Some lost their lives. Others drowned their sorrows in the drink and kiss. Now the fate of the world must be decided. Will the heavens take pity on the lonely hearts of Rohan? Will they make themselves fine cocoons of silk, and turn to moths of eerie beauty?  
  
There is some homosexuality here, and language, a tad mild. . ................................ .  
  
Lord of the Rings characters are not mine. I'm not making money off of 'em. I don't own Les Miserables or Armani either.  
  
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Eowyn spoke nothing when she reentered the common room where many a fine friend was seated. She was mostly full from some walnut puree anyway, although she couldn't quite remember where the puree had come from. She didn't even mutter a word when Sam eagerly pulled at her dress, begging for a franc to feed his daughter Cosette. No, it wasn't until she stumbled upon Elrond, who sat laughing gaily at his own hands when she quietly spoke.  
  
"Just how many condoms did you obtain from the machine?" she asked sweetly, as if speaking to a disabled child.  
  
"Oh the love! Twenty-five shillings....and a twinkle of a babe's eye!" he replied merrily, swinging his condom-covered fingers like a conductor. "A BABE'S EYE."  
  
"Those were expensive!" Eowyn hissed and snatched away several unopened grape ones.  
  
"Why don't you put them to good use then?" mumbled Aragorn from a darkened corner.  
  
Eowyn blushed and gave her usual fake-ass laugh. "Hahahahohohoh!(rasp)ha."  
  
Everyone in the room sighed, obviously annoyed. Merry shook his head in a condemning of Eowyn, and then turned back to stroking his dear Pippin's calves. Gimli watched with unbridled lust.  
  
"Lord Aragorn...what ever is the matter?" she questioned softly, picking a fish bone out of her teeth.  
  
Aragorn glanced around nervously. Legolas and Gandalf weren't around; they had gone outside to challenge each other to peeing contests. Maybe he had a chance to speak out against the intolerable cruelty that had been so unwittingly thrust upon him...  
  
"Legolas waved his chenille loin cloth before my very eyes! It waggled to and fro like the very leafy trees of Gondor caught in a tempest's breath!" His eyes became wide like so many interstate highways.  
  
"Oh my poor, poor man..." Eoywn cooed, and stroked Gimli's head instead. Gimli looked up at her anxiously.  
  
"Is Sparky dead, mother?" he asked frightfully, and Eowyn only hugged him tighter.  
  
From across the room Frodo surveyed the scene in wonder. Inspired by Eowyn's compassion, he did an interpretive dance, shed a single tear and licked a fluff off the floor. Elrond laughed heartily and broke wind. From the darkened left hand corner, Aragorn huffed. Trying to be discreet as possible, he slipped into a manhole and closed the lid. Safe within the Rohan sewers, he dialed on his cell phone.  
  
"Arwen, baby...where are ya? The Armani Exchange? No, no honey everything's fine. I'm just trippin' a little, you know what I mean? Yeah. Come over and give daddy some lovin'. Bring Gladdy too."  
  
He ended the call with a whistle, and seeing as no one was around, chased a frog into a rainbow culvert.  
  
Above ground in the world where living things live, the so-called "party" continued. Eowyn sat on a windowsill, anxiously waiting for Santa Clause, with Elrond singing Christmas carols. Frodo and Sam had retired to a peaceful game of Swallow That Goldfish. Merry and Pippin were enjoying a séance over a half-eaten daffodil, and Gimli was nervously biting his nails, unsure as to whether or not he should become a pony.  
  
From the cold wintry outside, Legolas and Gandalf strode in, laughing heavily with snowy bliss.  
  
"Hoho, Legolas, the urine of old is no match for the urine of the cunning!" Gandalf boomed, the ceilings bending and the lights dimming.  
  
Legolas shot Gandalf a shy glance and whispered, "You always were a pee-er of champions."  
  
Gandalf only nodded solemnly, for he was experiencing a minor hot flash. Eowyn turned to both of them and opened her mouth to wish them a great return. "I hope.."  
  
"Shut your mouth you fugly little wart! I'm a better "dancer" and you know it!" Legolas jeered, tossing a confused Aragorn at her. Aragorn only screamed in fear of another lap dance, and hid beneath a china plate engraved with the image of a trout. Eowyn tried to ignore that familiar serving piece, but soon images of rhinos and Grima weaseled their way back into the empty bean can that was her mind.  
  
"You were wrong in many ways, Grima...but you had just enough purity to seek love and acceptance." Eowyn whispered to her palm, gently licking a bit of walnut paste.  
  
Frodo and Sam watched with vacant expressions, and Merry and Pippin joined as well. Soon Aragorn and Gimli watched, alongside Gandalf and Legolas. Even Elrond was entranced. But soon enough it became evident that they were looking at a tire factory, and not Eowyn at all. A voice broke their reverie.  
  
"Flip the remorse of blenders. Partake thy apples of sweltering joy. Chrysanthemum donkeys."  
  
It was a familiar voice indeed, but Eowyn did not take notice of this. She was simply in another realm; eyes fixed upon nothing, heart slowly beating and chest softly heaving with grief. He may not have had a pleasing outside, but Grima was just a shell anyway. The true gem was hidden beneath the many greased layers of fur and slime.  
  
"Children of Middle Earth...the world is full of laughter tonight. Mine own eyes betray me, your hearts are merry yet many sit in a drunken stupor. All except for one. Are you the wretched representation of what should be a human?"  
  
It was Galadriel and she was prodding Eowyn's side with a sharpened stick. Eowyn cried out.  
  
"Yes, yes stop that!" she gasped, and Galadriel only poked further.  
  
"What...(poke).a.(poke).hideous.(poke) dress."  
  
Eowyn glanced down at her burlap-and-taffeta ensemble, complete with rusty fish hooks and one inch of five-cent lace.  
  
"I..I made it myself." She stammered, and her eyes filled with tears. Galadriel shook her head scornfully and dusted a fluff from her vinyl-and- cardboard moo-moo. Eowyn watched in horror as the entire fellowship surrounded Galadriel, complimenting her clothing and wishing her great joy. Only one turned to look Eowyn in the eye, and it was the monkey who had wandered into the lodge in search of ripe bananas. Eowyn promptly shooed it away.  
  
The clock struck 10, and the residential herd of goats trotted slowly into the common room to view the commotion.  
  
"Gladdy, um, where's Arwen?" It was Aragorn, and he was pulling at the hem of Galadriel's dress, nibbling on a cookie.  
  
"Yes, yes where is Sparky mumsy?" Gimli inquired, suddenly overcome with chills of terror.  
  
"Why, she died. Didn't I tell you? T'was almost three hundred years ago this day. Was ground into beef and served to the killer giraffes of Mordor. Did you not know?" She said in a snobby manner, sipping at her saketini.  
  
"What?! I talked to her just minutes ago!"  
  
"What? I thought you were talking about your great aunt Josephine."  
  
Gimli burst into tears and ran to hide in shame beneath a table. Eowyn arose from a great arm chair and peered out the window. Arwen was approaching, it seemed, with many parcels in hand. As a kind gesture, Eowyn opened the door for the dark and mysterious lady. The elven maiden pranced in gleefully, and slammed the door on Eowyn's face. Everyone simultaneously cheered, and both Elrond and Aragorn ran hurriedly to kiss their dear Arwen, but only ended in kissing one another. Elrond batted his eyes playfully at Aragorn, who swore softly and pretended to ignore the signal.  
  
Frodo and Sam nodded knowingly towards each other, and stuck LSD needles in their stomachs. Galadriel was quick to spot them.  
  
"Bad, bad hobbits!" she cried and squirted them with a spray bottle. Sam did not throw away the needle, but did jump off the counter. Galadriel thought their behavior to be odd, and braved a stab of the strange liquid herself. Arwen just smiled lovingly and clutched Aragorn to her bosom. Merry and Pippin laughed.  
  
"Look Merry! A man and a woman are together! How weird is that?" Pippin snickered.  
  
"Hohohoho yes Pippin. Um.yes." Merry scratched his chin thoughtfully, contemplating the uncomfortable feeling of something being awry. He whispered "Something's not quite right....ah! The picture is crooked." He gently readjusted the photo of Grima, Eomer and Eowyn at the Grand Canyon.  
  
"Legolas, you have fooled me once again." Gandalf chuckled from across the room in an old, weary way and set down the last chess piece. "You really do have a better loin cloth."  
  
"Of course, my friend. Mine has daisies. See? See?" Legolas boasted and pointed at his favorite scrap of clothing. Gandalf just shot him his famous childlike innocence expression.  
  
"Memorize your pancakes? Memorize your pancakes?! I'll *kindle* your pancakes! HOOZAH!" Galadriel was furiously playing the piano. "Shut up, shut up! I'LL KINDLE YOU TO HELL!" Her fingers pounded the keys with feverent emotion.  
  
From a dimly lit corner, Frodo was sighing at a picture of macaroni and cheese. He gently wept from the overpowering emotion. Sam furrowed his brow and, seeing that Frodo was emotionally distressed, began to pet a chair. Frodo quieted immediately. Gimli's heart pounded at such frivolous passion.  
  
Everyone was happy. Happy and merrily chatting. The hobbits were being ridiculous, and Aragorn and his mistress were enjoying a cuddle. Gimli seemed to be off in another world, for his bluish, pale soul could be seen leaving his dwarfish body. Gandalf and Legolas were both seated at a table with a chess board, their brows knit in concentration and their gazes firm and serious. They were having a staring contest. Galadriel and Elrond were partaking in a duet, with Elrond cursing madly alongside Galadriel, but only because he didn't know any better and he thought it best to kiss up to his mother-in-law. Eowyn watched the great party, and nearly flew from the room back to her chambers.  
  
A streak of walnut laced the floor. She wept upon it and prayed.  
  
"Oh woe! Oh jello-like woe! Why did you leave, Heath? No...Grima. Why? You tasted like walnuts!" she cried and fell into a state of pity. The goats howled mournfully at the moon.  
  
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Tbc? Wish to reply? Go ahead.. 


	4. After the Waves of Death Receded

Here is the next chapter in the horrid tale of doom, destruction, utter misery, and walnut paste.  
  
There is some rude language, and odd adult-like content. Be warned that hints at homosexuality are flying around. Why? They make it so easy to portray!! Well, maybe not. Don't expect more than a kind gesture.  
  
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I do not own lord of the rings, or any characters/people/goblins in this story. Goblins?  
  
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The moon was floating in the cold night sky above the plains of Rohan. Stars flickered with cold brilliance, and wisps of cloud were resting on the horizon.  
  
Eowyn was mourning. Her head was hung low, and her eyes were cradling tears or frustration and doubt. How could she have been so daft? He loved her! She was sure of it, but how did she feel? She didn't know herself anymore.  
  
A gentle tapping came from the door.  
  
"Come in." Eowyn whispered, and the door opened to reveal Frodo and Sam. With gentle smiles they strode in.  
  
"Hey purdy lady.." Sam cooed and knelt beside her on the floor. "What's wrong?"  
  
Eowyn sniffled. "You...you think I'm pretty? And not a Porky Orky?"  
  
Sam's brow furrowed for a moment. "Oh...wait....you're that disgusting, ugly- ass stripper!" he cried and pointed his finger accusingly. "UGLY UGLY!!"  
  
Eowyn burst into a sobbing mess and fell to the floor. Frodo's lips curved into a smug smile as he bent down beside her, knowing just what to do and say.  
  
"If you rub some ointment on it, and shave away the hair, the bugs will go away."  
  
Eowyn's eyes widened in sheer terror as Frodo gestured towards his thigh...but then pointed to his calf instead. She let out a sigh.  
  
"Darned calf lice!" Frodo hissed and scratched his leg furiously.  
  
Eowyn shook her head and stood up with a sudden streak of confidence. Without so much as a word, she paced out of the room towards the common room, with the two hobbits merrily skipping behind her. They were dressed in fine blue bonnets of satin and knickers trimmed with lace, each with a sucker in hand.  
  
But no one seemed to notice. Well, except for Galadriel. She turned to Eowyn with quivering lips and a daisy in hand.  
  
"Where have all the flowers gone?" she whispered, and stroked a cat. Eowyn shook her head disdainfully. From behind a curtain, Elrond gazed seductively.  
  
"Pretty lady..." he whispered and tears formed at the corners of his eyes. "Why do you fret so?"  
  
"I...miss someone. I think I made a mistake, but there's no way to fix it..." Eowyn whimpered. Elrond just shook his head. "Bitch, he whispered. "Terrible bitch." Galadriel smiled warmly and stroked the velvet curtains. Eowyn sat across from the two elves, wrapped up in her own despair.  
  
"Hohohoho, Gandalf! The hour is late, yet you insist upon my strip tease!" Legolas bellowed, his hands reaching for the cassette player. Aragorn shrieked with primal fear.  
  
"I feel like a moth just raped my belly!" he gasped, when Arwen asked of his sudden fright. Pippin elbowed Merry sharply at this comment, as he had been belly-raped by a moth two years ago. Gimli, however, heard none of this. He was too busy speeding down the hallway in a shopping cart. As he passed Gandalf and Legolas jigging by the wall, he reached out and snared a tuft of Gandalf's furry chest. Gandalf blushed the color of spring roses.  
  
Eowyn smiled at the bunch, but her heart was sinking. In a moment of desperation she leapt from her seat and ran out onto the balcony. Magically a violin began playing and a wintry breeze teased her hair. Gazing up at the moon she remembered the words of Grima and his promise for her success.  
  
"If I had a chance to tell him how much I appreciate all he did for me, my life would be complete." She said, her voice quivering with emotion.  
  
Nearby, the banana-searching monkey peed on the railing. A single drop of its urine landed on Eowyn's shoe. Without noticing, she walked back into the great hall and to her room. As the tip of her white satin mule touched the walnut streak, the drop of urine glided to the floor surface. A gentle light spread across the site of the dried remnants, and in the glowing orb a figure emerged. Eowyn stood motionless.  
  
"My dear Eowyn." A husky voice filled the room. "The great monkey of mercy has granted us a second chance."  
  
"Oh, lemony joy! Sweet, succulent joy!" Eowyn cried and embraced the bright figure.  
  
"I dreamt about you every night...about us starting a life together. About you wearing a bikini, and me pouring pickles over your body, and, and of the monkey watching." The bright figure stammered.  
  
"Is it really you, Grima?"  
  
"Yesssss it is meeeeee...oooooh fssshhhhhh."  
  
"Please, step out of the light!"  
  
Grima obeyed and revealed himself from the fading aura. Eowyn bit her lip as her hungry eyes ran over his new body like wild ponies over majestic hills. Ripples of muscle; tan, sinewy, masculine flesh. Piercing eyes like Wayne Newton, and soft black tendrils of ashy hair. A pink bow around his neck. He bore the face of an angel: a mix of Jay Leno and Robert Redford.  
  
"WEEEE! I'M A MERRY-GO-ROUND!" Elrond cried as the others followed him into Eowyn's chamber. Audible gasps erupted from burbly little mouths. Gimli's gasp came from his rear (as is the case with dwarves these days). Galadriel wiped away tears and hugged Aragorn and Arwen tightly. Frodo and Sam exchanged kisses of friendship, and Gimli nearly fainted at such raw lust. Pippin and Merry began to sing a nursery rhyme as Legolas and Gandalf FINALLY finished their jig.  
  
Eowyn looked at Grima's new form, and vomited up her trout dinner. Grima laughed heartily as the goats cleaned up the mess. Then, as the sun broke across the mountain tops and the sky became illuminated with posterior- shaped clouds, the two embraced and shared a kiss. All those who bore witness would later remark it was Eowyn who sucked Grima's face off. Others insisted it was the monkey, who revoked the magic handsome spell. Some people even testified a magical helicopter-like machine flew through the window and granted three wishes to Grima, which included his old face, a pile of dried weed, and a bushel of melons. These people were Pippin. All, however, agreed the kiss was somehow homosexual in nature. This was never fully investigated, as the kiss was eclipsed by a harsh slap as Eowyn saw Grima's old appearance. Two weeks later, the monkey was fried and eaten on a stick.  
  
Everyone lived happily, and parties were plentiful. As before, some wore New Year's hats. Others did not.  
  
The End. 


End file.
